Music by Steffi

Steffi just finished the Coming of Age program at the UU and loved it! During her wilderness retreat she wrote the following song. Hope you enjoy it...

Busyness

From the March-April issue of Utne, in the article "The Lonely American" by Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz:

A good friend described the impact of busyness on our neighborhoods brilliantly: "Being neighborly used to mean visiting people. Now being nice to your neighbors means not bothering them." People's lives are shaped by how busy they are. Lives also are shaped by the respect and deference that is given to busyness - especially when it is valued above connection and community. If people are considerate, they assume that their neighbors are very busy and so try not to intrude on them. Dropping by is no longer neighborly. It is simply rude.

We treat socializing as if it's a frivolous diversion from the tasks at hand rather than an activity that is essential to our well-being as individuals and as a community. Soon our not bothering to call people (or even e-mail them) gets read by others as a sign that we are too caught up in the sweep of our own lives to have time for them. Our friends are not surprised. Our relatives may be indignant, but even they know how hard it is. An unspoken understanding develops. It's too bad that we've lost touch, but that's the way it is.

I read this just after writing my last blog post on the busy cycle I was finding myself in, and I found it so ironic. I value connection, and I try to align what I'm doing with what I value. But there are so many options out there and so many of them sound so good! This seems to be especially true in the month of May here in the Willamette Valley - I could probably go to at least three things each day that I would completely enjoy. It becomes hard to choose. And it becomes increasingly hard to focus on my priorities.

Yesterday my life coach told us of the Good Samaritan Experiment conducted in 1973. The researchers told half the group of seminary students that they would be speaking on the Good Samaritan, the other half were told that they would be preparing a talk on seminary jobs. When the time came to give the sermons, the researchers planted an actor in an alley that they each had to walk by to get to the lecture hall where they were to give their sermon. The actor was playing the part of the mugged man in need of help - groaning loudly enough for passers by to hear that he needed help. The researchers told some of the participants they needed to hurry and the others that they had plenty of time. The most important factor in whether they stopped to help was how much of a hurry they were in, even if they were on their way to give a talk on the Good Samaritan!

What I get from this is that I really need to be careful to not be in such a rush from being overly busy/over-scheduled, that I loose sight of my values. And really, it took me such a long time and so much hard work to figure out and to define what my values really are, that it is unfair to sabotage those efforts and let busyness get in between me and my values. Scheduling and letting go, evaluating and letting go even more. Breathing. Relaxing. Enjoying.

I want to, once more, be more aware of the joy in everything. It is my true compass. If I'm not finding joy, but duty or obligation, then the activity does not serve me. It is such a simple test, but oh so hard to remember to give consistently. Old habits sneak back in and I find myself, once again, needing to examine what I'm spending my time on and weeding out those items that creep in without joy.

Cycles of my year

Warning - I am definitely talking to myself in this post. Sometimes I just need to get these types of thoughts down, and this is now my chosen forum.

I am in a busy cycle again. Saying yes to things that I maybe don't need to say yes to, but also having things that I want to do stack up on top of each other (time wise). I'm at the point where I realize that I've said yes to too many things and start to back off.

It helps me to list out all the things I have going on, to take inventory, so I can realign my activities with my priorities. I do tend to over volunteer - this was how, for so many years as we were moving often, I would get to know people quick enough to have friends before moving yet again. Now that we are settled, I have a bit of a hard time saying no to things I would have otherwise said yes to. I always have this thought in the back of my mind (that sometimes creeps to the front) that tells me I should be doing whatever it is - that I should be giving my time. It is a twinge, and I have to silence it by reminding myself that I do give of my time and more so than so many others.

It seems like my friends are also in a busy phase, yet I want so much to stop and connect - share a meal, watch a movie, hang out and talk. I'm feeling disconnected yet again, but hesitant to ask for their time and also unwilling to figure out the one hour next week we could possibly all have free. I guess I'm feeling a little tired to. Eating as much sugar as I have been isn't helping!

This is the time of year where I realize that I do NEED to come together with other unschoolers to remember who I truly want to be without the outside (and internal) pressures to DO. It has been a very long time since L&L in September and I'm needing that boost that can only be gotten at an unschooling conference. I wish I were allowed to attend the LIFE is Good Unschooling conference at the end of May, it saddens me that my family is specifically excluded yet again. I wish I were able to attend the Good Vibrations conference, but just don't see how I can make that work. I keep thinking I would like to just organize my own unschooling conference, but I just don't see how I would with all the other things I do! I've got the ideas - just need people to carry them out - and the idea of site selection - Ack!

I know the next steps - and I know they will come soon enough. May is always crazy busy - the end of the school year always is (even though we live as if school doesn't exist, we are still very much affected by its schedule).


My list of current involvement - for purposes of taking inventory for myself:

• TLC co-owner/moderator
  
• OSUU owner/moderator/facilitator
  
• Girl Scout Leader (helping girls start Brownie troop, plan Savannah trip, etc - currently meeting about 8 hours/week)
  
• Homeschool Central organizer (and, yes, list owner/co-moderator - there's no such thing as running too many yahoo groups, is there?) (Currently looking into new web presence - wikispot maybe - which will involve lots of learning)
  
• An Daire Academy webmaster (ah, and list co-moderator, hmm)
  
• GUTSgirls.ning site developer
  
• Creative Memories consultant (Currently working on Tessa's huge heritage project and just offered to help Sally learn the software - need to follow up on UU auction)
  
• Team Product Finding Service
  
• Coming of Age Parenting Workshops

Recently finished:

• SU Cookie Manager for the year (well, almost finished)
  
• Event Photographer for Fuzzy Buddy Tea Party - totally fun!
  
• Council Delegate

Currently considering:

• Council Product Sales Team

Recently said no to:

• Women's Retreat Committee
  
• Leading Just Try It classes at Homeschool Central

Wishing I were doing a better job at:

• Welcoming new homeschoolers
  
• OSUU Meetings
  
• Involving the girls in trip planning
  
• Decreasing inventory
  
• Meal planning/execution
  
• Home maintenance projects

Trust Children

"Trust Children. Nothing could be more simple, or more difficult. Difficult because to trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves, and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted." --John Holt

Earth Hour

Okay - what am I missing here? I find it ironic that the folks over at www.earthhour.org want us to upload pictures/video or blog during earth hour (which is from 8:30 to 9:30 tonight). Don't the computer, modem, router, etc. use far more electricity than the lights?

Don't get me wrong, I really do believe we need to take action and do what we can to reverse the effects of global warming, I'm just not sure we can do that by using our computers.

My compromise? Blog first, turn EVERYTHING off during.

Who Am I?

Yesterday I started a new social networking site for my life coach so that the GUTS Girls can connect and support each other on a more consistent basis. I just love playing on my computer - I do think it is my favorite possession!

So, in setting up my profile, I needed to answer the question, "Tell us a little about yourself" because I want everyone else on the site to answer that question.

Wow - why is this simple question always so hard to answer? I have my profile blurb that you can see on the right, but is that WHO I AM? Then I have all my roles - so many roles it makes my head spin thinking about them all - unschooling mom, unschooling advocate, homeschooling organizer, master recycler, wife, foster parent for kittens, GS leader and county cookie manager, gay rights advocate, humanist & UU, environmentalist (to some degree anyway), natural birth/nursing advocate, attachment parenting advocate and on and on it goes. You know, I'm also a daughter and a sister and a cousin and a neighbor and a former classmate, and... They are labels and there seems to be this big anti-label thing going on, at least in the unschooling and life coaching communities (more labels, no?).

Am I my roles? My roles really are how others see me, or how I relate with others. But who am I really?

I strive to be authentic. I try to be real with people. I am also working on being more compassionate - I'm usually compassionate, but I do find holes where I could be far more compassionate. I'm working on losing a lot of the judgements that I've always formed - judging isn't me any more, except when it is.

How do I answer this question in a meaningful way? What do people want to know about when they read the answers to that question?

Do I share my values? My values really are who I am at my core, right? And they probably are the most telling. I could also share my preferences. Or I could just say, "I am Joni", but that just doesn't carry the same weight for me as it does for someone like Diana!

So: I am Joyful Wise One. I am an evolving humanist who values joy, connection, growth, respect, comfort, honesty, and authenticity. Service is my primary love language. Among many other things, I am an unschooling mom of two girls, a parenting coach, and a volunteer. I am usually concerned about doing the right thing and am trying hard to be more compassionate in my life.

What do you think? For those of you who know me, does that give an accurate picture of who I am?

An Important Book

I brought the following Goodreads review here because I want people to know about this book:

As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl by John Colapinto

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
I didn't find this book to be riveting in the writing style - it can be rather dry and there are parts that drag on a bit. But it is a fascinating true story about identical twin boys who, because of a circumcision gone horribly wrong, are raised as brother and sister.

The ego of Dr. John Money is infuriating and it is frustrating just how he managed to get all these cases of sex reassignment. I find it baffling that all these parents would let their children have these yearly therapy sessions with this nut without oversight, especially when the children were all vocal about not wanting to go and would get more nervous about meeting with the man as they grew older. People - listen to your children!!! They are the experts of themselves!

There are just two other parts that I have to write about. The first is that there seems to be confusion on the part of the author in the difference between gender identity (the gender you perceive yourself to be) and sexual orientation (the gender you are sexually attracted to). The author doesn't seem to understand that these two things are not necessarily related.

The other thing I want to comment on is the underlying belief that all these children have to suffer the taunting of their school peers. Children do NOT have to suffer this kind of cruelty! Do whatever you have to do to keep your children home if society cannot accept them for who they are. Let them develop their sense of self without cruel children telling them they are a freak.

I came away from this book with a strong belief that intersexed children should remain as they were born until they decide that they want to do something about it. But they need the full support of their parents to be able to develop into who they are meant to be without the taunting and teasing of people who think everyone must be the same (well, they can be a boy or a girl, but beyond that the girls all must be the same and the boys must all be the same).

I also came away with a slight fear of "experts". There is something to be said for people who have humility and a more fluid viewpoint. Who can consider actual circumstances rather than always have the "right" answer before even being presented with the case.

While this isn't a parenting book, I chose to place in on my parenting shelf because I feel that it is an important book for parents.


View all my reviews.

No Wonder

As I was uploading my images onto my computer the other day I found a whole slew of pictures that Bekka and her friends took on Feb. 2 - Groundhog's Day. The shadows are long and sharp.

No wonder our winter has been dragging on so severely!